Lejos de hogar - but in English

Top 10 Shows of the year

2009-12-31T11:52:00.001-08:00

2009 was an odd year for concerts - seeing as I saw concerts in 5 flipping states (California, Arizona, Nevada, Texas, Washington DC) and because of the move and all. I could easily do top 20, but trying to keep it somewhat focused, here are ten:

10. Our Lady Peace - Antones, July 2009 (Austin) - I'm a longtime fan of OLP and haven't had the chance to see them in quite a while so when I heard they were doing a summer tour, it was quite important I go. Raine Maida (lead singer) is a very focused and powerful performer and while this show wasn't in the top 10 ever status that the show in 2000 was, it was still very good. I appreciate when a performer gives more than you expect and then some. They decided on some funny light bars behind the stage which were more annoying than anything, but, when the entire crowd sings the chorus of 'life' to those lights half lit, its was a pretty special thing.

9. Elvis Perkins in Dearland w/ Other Lives - The Parish, May 2009 (Austin) - I saw EPID quite a while ago, opening for My Morning Jacket at the Marquee. I've not missed them since then. The Parish is a venue that you'd see in a movie, cool paintings and decor, large paper lanterns above the floor on the second level of a very old 6th street building. While Elvis was awfully good, equally good was the opening band Other Lives. Their amazing version of Leonard Cohen's 'Partisans' was bouncing around my head for weeks afterward. I got a chance to see them again when they opened for The Decemberists with Mr. Paul a couple weeks later in Oakland. Anyway, the show was very good top to bottom.

8. Raul Malo & Shelby Lynne - Great American Music Hall, March 2009 ( San Francisco) - I've been listening to Raul Malo for a long time, starting with the Mavericks a good 15 years ago. His absurdly great voice worked well for country crooning but even better for western swing meets cubanismo dance hall stuff & his solo work has reflected that. This was such an odd pairing because Shelby was very angelic and powerful and introspective, a very intimate feel to her set. Raul's band on the other hand was loud and fun and tight and just shook the building. It was kind of neat to have that offset, as both performers were so excellent.

7. Jason Isbell & the 400 Unit and Justin Townes Earle - Independent, April 2009 ( San Francisco) - Another one of those odd pairings, I was a fan of both performers in different contexts, Isbell formerly of the Drive-By Truckers. Justin Townes Earle is (as I found out) a surly but charming performer, glaring at talkers while riffing through the songs. This may seem like an odd thing to point out for a professional musician, but he has uncanny timing. Isbell is such a good songwriter that it helps to overcome some of the pushy guitar work at times. That being said, his backing band is very together and sonically speaking, they really put it together. One of the reasons I enjoyed this show so much was that even in a crowded venue, you felt very part of the performances. Many times you get lost in the field, but this wasnt the case with this one at all.

6. Fleet Foxes - Fillmore, April 2009 (San Francisco) - Ok, so I had just gotten back from Vegas having seen the Hold Steady and the night after was the Foxes, three days later was Band of Horses in Oakland. Kind of a packed week. Anyway, this show was really neat for a number of reasons, for one, quite a few friends were there including Lisa's parents from Arizona. Two, even though the Live Nation crap has undermined things, the Fillmore is still a beauty of a venue. And piggybacking on that, to hear a band like Fleet Foxes in a place like that is pretty special. They were how you'd expect, very well put together, beautifully blended and sincere about the crowd being there. It felt to me like it could have been 40 years previous, there in that building listening to that timeless, graceful music.

5. Gourds & Patrick Sweany - Slims, February 2009 (San Francisco) - Now that I live in Austin, I have plenty of chances to see the Gourds play. In fact, Conlin's first show when he got here was the Gourds at Threadgills. Anyway, I didn't know this then, so seeing them was very cool. Even more so because of the opener. I saw Patrick Sweany for the first time in 2006 in Cleveland, opening for the Black Keys. He has this fantastic sound and is a remarkable guitar player and I have very fold memories associated with his music. So combine these two and it made for a good show. Slims is kind of a take it or leave it place. The venue is good but the staff is God-awful, so that always detracts from it. Overall, was a fun time, got to talk with Patrick and a couple of the Gourds and generally went home smiling.

4. The Hold Steady - Beauty Bar, April 2009 (Las Vegas, NV) - This was a fun trip and a fun week. Started with going to Vegas, coming back, seeing Fleet Foxes and then seeing Band of Horses. Back to this show and trip. I got to Vegas on Sunday and meandered around a while, Paul got into town and we had a fun evening of just schlepping around. Monday night was the show and while Pauly was intent on losing a little more on blackjack, I went direct to the venue and ended up meeting some locals, half of the band and had a great time. One of the openers had a lead singer that looked like my friend Troy's doppelganger, but thats another story. They were manic and loud and fun and just put on a wonderful show. The folks I met there were so very cool, made it even better. All in all, a worthwhile trip.

3. Eleni Mandell - Cafe Du Nord, March 2009 (San Francisco) - So, Eleni is one of those performers who is from another planet. Its not a bad thing, its just that she is not from here. She and Chan Marshall and a couple others just are otherworldly in their performing. The Du Nord is a great venue in general, so her off the wall personality mixed with that voice of hers made for a good show. The greater thing sometimes about a show is the people you see it with and this was certainly one of those. Quite honestly, it was just a bonus that a performer I really liked was playing because the time and talk and all with my companion that evening was the best part. And considering it was Eleni Mandell playing, thats saying a good bit!

2. Hardly Strictly Bluegrass - Golden Gate Park, October 2009 (San Francisco) - Warren Hellman does an amazing job of putting together a wonderful lineup every year for HSB. With the backdrop of Golden Gate Park, it makes for a pretty darn cool show. This year I got to see Eliza Gilkyson, Hayes Carll, Buddy Miller (who did a couple songs with Emmylou and 4 with Robert Plant!!!!), Okkervil River, Billy Joe Shaver, Gillian Welch and Steve Earle and the bluegrass Dukes. On Sunday I saw Elvis Perkins, Booker T playing with the Drive-by Truckers, Allen Toussaint, Galactic, Neko Case, Mavis Staples, Billy Bragg and Emmylou Harris. So yes, not a bad way to spend a weekend. I got the added bonus of spending time with friends and meeting a new little boy in the world, so all in all it was nice. Somewhat sad and such in certain respects, but overall a good experience.

1. Ben Sollee and Kate Noson, Lets Go Sailing - Cafe Du Nord, May 2009 (San Francisco) - Why Ben is not hugely popular and well regarded is beyond me. His ability with the cello is nothing short of amazing. His ability to weave great rhythm, to bend the confines of the instrument while all the while singing in a voice that is earnest and tonally amazing is nothing short of arresting. His opener Kate Noson (out of Oakland) sang a couple with him, their harmony was up there with Richard and Linda Thompson, just perfect. Not flawless, but perfect. He did a cover of "Chocolate Jesus" by Tom Waits which was fun...I could go on and on, as a performer he did a wonderful wonderful job. I was in an emotional state at that time where the longing, shaded lyrics and sounds were exactly what I wanted to hear and still do. His songs, 'I cant' and 'Copper and Malachite' just worked in a very personal and intimate way so much so that if I put myself back in my head at that time, I get a tad misty. Now as sappy as that sounds, I don't care, a good performance and a good memory are worth more than anything and regardless of anything since then, I am thankful for that time and place.

Top 10 Movies of the year

2009-12-31T10:03:00.000-08:00

So I'm doing three top 10 lists, shows, albums and movies. The thing of it is, I wish I had seen more movies that have been out this year. Things like Crazy Heart (out Jan 8th in Austin), An Education, Hurt Locker etc etc, will catch as they come on DVD. But in the meantime, here are my favorites this year:

10. Let the right one in - Now, this doesn't actually count as 2009 because it had festival releases the 2nd part of 2008, but I didn't get a chance until this year. Anyway, this is a wonderful, deep film that deals so eloquently with connections and fear on an adolescent level. Forget stupid Twilight for vampires, watch this one instead.

9. Where the Wild Things Are - I have no doubt that the award shows will leave this out and I really don't understand why. I thought it was beautiful and so well done, no stupid winks at the camera or reference a minute crap - in the vein of Labrynth.

8. Julie & Julia - Meryl Streep is from another planet. She is not from our planet. Like Daniel Day-Lewis and Gary Oldman, she is from a chameleon planet that allows her to perform so well again and again and again. This film, thankfully, is not too super sweet, but resonates with a good bit of heart in each woman's storyline. Plus, Amy Adams is always great to watch.

7. District 9 - How is is possible that the effects in this 30mil budget movie look better than those in the 180mil Transformers movie? I really enjoyed this movie, it has a sense of purpose, not just to exist like most action type movies. I thought a little of Enemy Mine while watching it. When you have a compelling lead actor and an (amazingly) believable story, it makes a big difference.

6. Bad Lieutenant - Port of Call New Orleans - Okay, so this movie is just nuts. Werner Herzog has an amazing and gonzo vision of how things should look, sound and feel. This only adds more to the film along with the completely berzerk performance from Nic Cage and creates this off kilter but never self aware bit of filmmaking that was really enjoyable, if not completely off the wall.

5. Coraline - Henry Sellick's latest stop motion film is a great enforcer of my feeling on beauty - sometimes you can find beauty in scary or ugly things. While this was so amazingly well executed with color and design perfection, it was also a little unsettling and scary at spots with very little apology. Scary things can be really lovely, this beauty of a film was so enjoyable in that respect.

4. Unmade Beds- I saw this as the closing film of the San Francisco International Film Festival in May of this year. It was a wonderful festival, but I think this was my favorite of all of them. Alexis Dos Santos' second feature was not trying to be too hip or too aware, it was just able to be what it was. To me, many sections of the film were like watching a watercolor come to life, the fluidity of the director's eye and the use of music, was really just a wonderful film full of life and hope.

3. Up - Well, I'm sure you can go all over the internet and read all manner of praise about Up, it is a truly beautiful and caring movie. The montage sequence in the beginning was remarkable for its delicate and honest way; something you don't expect from an animated film, Pixar or otherwise. The main reason I really liked Up was because it felt like a timeless story that could have come from Grimm or Arabian Nights or any other kind of lore - just very elegant and funny and wonderful.

2. Shrink - This was one of those DVDbox finds, didn't actually know the movie existed, but it had Kevin Spacey and I'll see anything he is in, so there you go. One of the big problems with films about Hollywood or anything to do with the film business, especially artsy-fartsy ones, is the total focus on negative, envelope pushing content or mindless indulgence. Everything is either plastic and fake, or, is so dark and depressing that its just roundly unpleasant. This film doesn't do either thing. There is some heavier subject matter, but its done in a real way. Spacey's character is complex and interesting and sympathetic and engaging. The whole film becomes an interesting journey, not for the spectacle of it, but the day to day pains and beauties that make real life. The soundtrack is wonderful too, with an amazing song by Jackson Browne over the credits.

1. Up in the Air - Besides noting the odd naming of the main character (shares the name with alt-rock-country singer Ryan Bingham) much has been said about this film too. I can't really talk about why I loved this movie so much without basically giving away the ending, but sufficed to say if you're looking for the big rainbow and altar and puppies and rainbows ending, you won't find it. However, that doesn't mean its some dark and depressing ending either. What this film manages to do is tell an interesting story without laboring under the expected outcomes. The script is sharp and funny and not too pushy - Clooney and cast are very natural; a sense they own the material and aren't playing the face time game. The style of the direction and the use of music is enhancing, not distracting. Overall, about as good as a movie can be.

Tim Russert 1950-2008

2008-06-14T08:47:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge political junkie. From a very young age I was saturated with politics on the local and national level. During the 1988 election I was 9 years old and making signs to wave around in the living room while we watched the convention and subsequent election coverage. So yeah, big junkie. Throughout high school, college and beyond I was a dedicated viewer of Meet the Press. Between that and CBS Sunday Morning (first with Charles Kuralt and later with Charles Osgood) I always had my Sunday mornings covered. Friends in college were always confused as to why I voluntarily got up so early Sunday morning but it was never a question. I had to watch Meet the Press. In later life, at the end of a work week I found myself talking with my parents on the phone discussing who Russert was going to have on the show Sunday. I can say that I think over the past 15 years or so, I've probably missed a few dozen shows if that, most likely less. Tim Russert was a true journalistic hero of mine, up there with Cronkite and Edward R Murrow. Russert was not some windbag obsessed with his image and fame and his own opinions, he was passionate about politics and a masterful journalist. He very often asked the exact question you would ask had you been given the chance. He did his job so well and was a true class act. Hearing about his death was a very sad thing because I think as time goes on, we have less and less examples in the media of people who take it as seriously as Tim did, as focused and as dedicated. His work has had an impact on my life as a political junkie and as a father. Tim Russert was a transformative figure in american politics and its a truly sad thing that he has passed. Rest in peace.

new song - Glad

2008-04-18T10:54:00.000-07:00

Glad

(verse 1)
I'm glad I introduced you to the ocean,
since I know you'd never met
she was so happy to have seen you,
someone she'll not soon forget.

And I'm glad I tried to make you dinner,
gettin fancy ingredients from AJs
those tart berries and strange lettuce,
but you loved it just the same.

(chorus)
From the great lakes
to the desert sky
back from Coronado,
time flew by

I want to tell you,
in my own way
that for all of it,
I'm still smiling.

(verse 2)
I'm glad your car battery gave out,
so you needed a ride
After ten minutes of cleaning,
you invited me inside.

I'm glad you had such good taste,
if what you listened to and read
Carl Hiaasen, Frank Zappa
and Bob Dylan filled your head.

(chorus)
From the great lakes
to the desert sky
back from Coronado,
time flew by

I want to tell you,
in my own way
that for all of it,
I'm still smiling.

(verse 3-ish)
I'm glad I helped you pack your things,
the moving van outside
you were bound to be with family,
not just leaving me behind.

Things are much different now,
with so much to plan and to do,
but when its sunset on the ocean,
I often think of you,

so I want to tell you,
in my own way,
that for all of it,
I'm still smiling
I'm still smiling
in my own way.

charlie, 2008

Weekly playlist

2008-03-20T15:48:00.000-07:00

Here is my weekly playlist. If I have two seconds to spare - I will try to do the linking and the images and the hey hey hey, but until then - its all lo-fi baby:

Jim Lauderdale & Ralph Stanley – Lost in the lonesome pines
Drive-by Truckers – Perfect timing
Joe Henry – Time is a lion
Cat Power – Aretha, sing one for me
Nick Lowe – Rome wasn’t built in a day
Dan Hicks & Friends (live in SF) – Waitin’
Tom Paxton (live in CO) – Yuppies in the sky
Avett Brothers – Pretty girl from Annapolis
Mike Doughty – White lexus
Hot Tuna (live in SF) – San Francisco bay blues
North Mississippi All Stars – I’d love to be a hippy
Alela Diane – Pirate’s gospel
David Wilcox (doing his best Bruce Cockburn impersonation) – Falling for it
Eddie Vedder (from Into the Wild soundtrack) – Society
Robert Earl Keen (live in TX, of course)– Amarillo Highway
Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova (from Once soundtrack) – Falling slowly

½ Robert Earl Keen - live 88 & the Avett brothers – Emotionalism
Robert Earl Keen -
I wanna know
Front porch song
Goin’ down in style
If I were king
I would change my life
I’ll go on downtown
Bluegrass widow
Who’ll be lookin’ out for me

The Avett Brothers -
Paranoia in B-flat major
Weight of lies
Ballad of love & hate
Salina
All my mistakes
I would be sad
Pretty girl from San Diego
Go to sleep

My top shows of the year 2007

2008-01-03T20:20:00.001-08:00

To borrow a page from Senior Catfishvegas, I thought I'd compile my favorite shows this year. Now, this is tricky, because they are all my favorite while I'm there. Its been so rarely that I've seen a show I didnt like or that wasnt good, you kind of get used to them all being good. In any event, I will attempt to break it down and give a link to each respective artists page.

12) Yard Dogs Road Show, May 12th, The Fillmore, San Francisco, CA

11) Stephen Malkmus & the Jicks, December 19th, Great American Music Hall, San Francisco, CA

10)My Morning Jacket w/ Elvis Perkins, January 5th, Marquee Theatre, Tempe AZ

9) Asylum Street Spankers, July 20th, Great American Music Hall, San Francisco, CA

8) David Wilcox, May 6th, Swedish American Hall, San Francisco, CA

7) Peacemakers (x2) April 13th, Slims, November 16th, Slims, San Francisco, CA

6) Klezmatics, October 27th, Jewish American Cultural Center, San Francisco, CA

5) Elvis Perkins, March 25th, Cafe Du Nord, San Francisco, CA

4) Josh Ritter, October 24th, Bimbos 365 Club, San Francisco, CA

3) Peter Mulvey, March 22nd, Freight & Salvage, Berkley, CA

2) Mike Doughty, November 28th, Rickshaw Stop, San Francisco, CA

1) Hardly Strictly Bluegrass, October 5-7th, Golden Gate Park, San Francisco, CA

So I will get back on this bad boy and put a couple of notes in, but for now its about the cleaning of the kitchen and the sleep.

top 10.5 movies of year

2008-01-03T13:58:00.000-08:00

Here is my top 10 list for 2007. You will notice that there are a few very well regarded movies that arent here (Michael Clayton, Juno, Norbit) but I dont think its a good idea to rank things I've not seen, so there you go. Also, there is a three way tie for 10th because, well, I make the rules.

10. The Host - This was "Little Miss Sunshine" meets "Godzilla." Very interesting movie, very tense and very well done. Such a different way to do a giant monster movie.

10. Reign Over Me - Probably the best thing Adam Sandler has ever done. Dealt with the personal loss of 9/11 in a different sort of way.

10. Ratatouille - So so well done. Beautiful attention to detail, good message. Flawless movie.

9. 1408 - One of the better King adaptations. Changed a few things from the story, but done so well. Cusack was a perfect choice. Really unverving and a twist ending that didnt make you sick to your stomach like The Mist (which I liked, but for lordssake)

8. Meet the Robinsons - Such a classy, throwback type of Disney movie. Doesnt do a "reference a minute" type of kids movie, actually tells a story and actually emotionally involves the audience, I really enjoyed it.

7. Zodiac - Fincher did a great job with this movie. Focused on a theme that I thought was so strong, how killing can ruin lives even without taking them. Great performances from all the leads, just really well done all across the board.

6. Stardust - There is no earthly reason why this movie should have been so good. Oh wait, Gaiman as the source material, nevermind. All the performances are top notch, the story is a lovely fairy tale and with a healthy bit of dark humor, this is up there with Princess Bride.

5. Paris Je T'aime - I loved this movie so much, just made me happy. There are a couple of screwy shorts (its a collection of 16 short films about love in Paris), but on the whole is was pretty remarkable. I cant really single out just one, Alexander Paines short is pretty wonderful and the one starring Catalina Sandino Moreno is a beauty.

4. El Orfanato (The Orphanage) - This was, by my count, one of the best ghost stories I've seen in a long time. Kind of a Peter Pan-esque ghost story. Emotionally tough but worth it. Very artfully shot, no gore or stupid crap, just a straitforward, spoooooky story.

3. Into the Wild - There were a lot of well shot movies this year, this had to have been one of, if not the best. Sad but inspiring story and a great job from Emeile Hirch in the lead. Soundtrack is pretty darned amazing too.

2. 3:10 to Yuma - The term "epic" gets used a lot, but this film was an epic. The grit and toughness reminded me of the Clint Eastwood western, Unforgiven. Great acting and a wonderfully suspenseful lead up to literally the last minute of the film. Bale and Crowe do a masterful job.

1. No Country For Old Men - I dont know that I can say much more about this movie than has already been said, but it was, to me, the best movie of the year. There is something so incredible about the way the story is structured, the rising action, the flashes of brutal violence mixed with sharp and very timely observations about life. Such an incredible movie.

2007-08-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

So for some reason or other, I got to thinking about funerals. I think it might have been some random show on TLC about urban legends and the guy who gets a ton of money just by randomly using the restroom at a church and signing the guestbook at a funeral viewing and being the only visitor. The story goes that the deceased had left a provision that the estate be divided up between those who came to give their last respects, and since he was the only one, he gets all the dough. Its pretty silly. Anyway, it got me to thinking about funerals in general.

When my grandmother passed away, it was one of the single most sad moments I've ever faced. We had just bought a house and had a lot of things going on in our lives. The week before she passed on, there was a scare when we thought she might only have that day to live. I was at work when my dad called and I was able to leave and go with my brother up to Prescott to see her. She had stabilized and showed a little improvement. That night I came back home with the idea that we would go back up to see her because she seemed to have improved to the point of maybe being able to leave the hospital. For whatever reason, we didnt make it back up there to see her and the following week she passed away. When I went up for the funeral, it was a really tough thing. I had spent so much time with her since I was a child growing up, done so many things together that I had a really hard time with the idea that she was gone. At the funeral itself, there were friends of my parents, people from the business and family. The priest guy that oversaw the ceremony didnt have his act together and didnt have me and my father speak, which was frustrating. We went to cemetary, did the burial and one of my brothers cried and was very upset in the car ride on the way back home. We had a reception at my parents house which was very strange, I didnt like that at all. I guess thats what you're supposed to do, but I think its bullshit. Stupid tradition that is meaningless.

So I was thinking who'd be there. I would love to think that it'd be like the "funeral" in Big Fish, where they all come out of the woodwork, old teachers, childhood friends, people from Sky Y, all the High School crowd, teachers from college, friends from Cowden and others, people from Scottsdale Culinary and a few other places in and around the valley. There are people that I'd want to be there that most likely wouldnt, Melanie from college, Allana from SCI, Bob and Sean from Tempe and others. People would be older, have kids and other family members I hadnt met before I passed. I think it was Rob Gordon who said in High Fidelity "I've always had this fantasy that some beautiful, tearful woman would insist on "You're the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me" by Gladys Knight. But who would that woman be?" I love that quote.

and a couple more....

2007-08-09T13:30:00.000-07:00

May-ish

peace is a good thing

Saw David Wilcox last night. Wonderful as always. He played a new song called "Three Brothers" that was really great. The song talks about peace in the middle east in a gentle and really great way. Here are the lyrics:

Three Brothers by David Wilcox

All three brothers loved their father, but he's brought them here today
To see these papers and these lawyers, and divide the old estate
All three feel that they're the favorite, he loves each of them the best
But these documents he gave them, will now put them to the test

So they open all the writings, that will prove the rightful heir
To this home that they remember, and the right to settle there
Their own sister is a prisoner, they don't see her face to face
They've not heard her song of beauty, or felt the movement of her grace

She lives live behind those bars of steel and waits for her release
Will she die or will we see
Jerusalem In Peace

Each one looks at what he's given, and he studies what he's shown
They hold their maps that show possession, of this place they've called their home At first they sigh with satisfaction, when they see what's on their maps
Each one's given all he wanted, but the boundaries overlap

So do you wish us to be brothers? Father help us understand
Or will we each kill off the others? to claim this same piece of land
Do You mean there to be hatred? In this place you built to last
And will faith just die a prisoner? In the dungeon of the past

She lives behind those bars of steel and waits for her release
Will she die or will we see
Jerusalem In Peace

She lives behind those bars of steel and waits for her release
Will she die or will we see
Jerusalem In Peace

Jerusalem is sending her voice from inside the prison of disbelief
Stand up you people of the one God to bring about her release

you can listen to the song by going here:
http://www.davidwilcox.com/index.php?page=radio

Something good about at least hoping for peace and understanding. Its quite another for it to actually happen, but sometimes prayer is a good thing to do regardless.

yet another letter to the editor

New city, same Charlie:

Dear Editor,

It was with no great surprise that I read President Bush vetoed the Iraq Bill that included a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq. This is not unexpected, of course, only disappointing.
Our president trumpeted the "political capital" he earned in the 2004 election. He went on and on about the will of the people, even though the will of the people was a pretty slim margin, less than 3%. Now I know that the President doesn't read, so this might fall on deaf ears, but I thought I would site some wider margins he might find interesting, courtesy of the National Journal in April. 51% of those polled said it was a mistake to invade Iraq in the first place. 66% said the war was going badly, and over 60% were in favor of troop draw downs and removal.

Now, my math isn't the best, but considering those numbers and considering the tone in congress right now, would it be fair to say, Mr. President, that you are now honor bound to again answer to the will of the people? After all, the numbers don't lie, do they?

Sincerely,

Charlie B$%&*(%$nn

The All knowing iPOd

So I'm up at all hours of the night working on a couple reports for my job. My boss is overseas at the moment and so I have a kind of split work schedule. Anyway, I've got my earbud things in and am listening to music as I work. I've often wondered how the software works that generates the "random" song list, if there is some strange little digital Rob Gordon (High Fidelity) in there spinning the tracks...okay, back on track.

So the Iron & Wine song Trapeze Swinger comes on, which is a deep and severely emotional song. So that pushes me into a bit of a mood. Then Sam Cooke singing "The Great Pretender" which is about putting on a big act about being happy, but being secretly sad. This pushes the emotional envelope even further. I start to think about the mistakes I've made in the last couple years. Things I should have done and things I sure as shit shouldn't have done. So the frown is growing on my face and my eyes are starting to water a bit. I'm overcome with a bout of sadness about the state of things. So then, inexplicably, the next song that comes up is, I kid you not, The Peacemakers singing "Fonder & Blonder" which is so amazingly appropriate I start to chuckle a little. Then, "Here comes the Sun" by the Beatles. Lovely. The dark crap feeling is starting to fade. Mind you, I've not monkied with the playlist or order at all. I'm to the point where I'm in great anticipation of the next song, almost wondering if Candid Camera is watching or something. As I finish the last line of my report, "Charlie" by Peter Mulvey comes up. I start to cry and laugh at the same time, tears of absolute joy.

Strange little device, this iPod. It seemed to want to tell me something, reminding me that while regret can be an attractive mistress from time to time, hope is a much more dependable lover over the long haul.

I really hate Ted Nugent

Here is a little thing I wrote up for CNN.

I read Mr. Nugent's commentary with the expectation that I would disagree, and that very well was the case. There are so many contradictions in Mr. Nugent's passage that there really isn't a point to bringing up every one of them. His "citations" are slanted in such a way that the inevitable answer to each example is that a gun toting civilian would have saved the day, or did.
The question I would ask Mr. Nugent is, if gun control is so bad, why do we have the FDA or any public safety initiatives at all? I mean really, what is the point of regulating anything? Food companies should be allowed to sell products that may or may not have poison in them. Auto makers should be allowed to commercially produce cars that have no seatbelts and can push 300 miles per hour. Why? Because, according to Nugent, regulation is bad and all freedom at all costs is good.
I have the right to own a gun designed, not for hunting, not for base level protection, but for human killing. Armor piercing, hollow point bullets for a handgun? Not many of those taken on hunting trips. It is an absolute crock. I cannot stand the idea that because you have the right, that makes it okay. Its childish and its simple minded. An assault weapon is not used on deer. An assault weapon is used to kill people, often policemen. Great freedom, a more expidited means to end a cop's life.
Finally, I want to say that I am profoundly insulted by Mr. Nugent or anyone elses attempt to bring gun control into this story, pro or con. And for that matter, comparing it to the war. I hate the war and I hate American service people being killed in said war. However, in my view its not appropriate to prop up whatever issue you are championing on the backs of grieving families. Its not fair to them by any stretch. Leave them be to heal themselves and save your politics for another day.

so there you go, if you go to http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/19/commentary.nugent/index.html
you can read dipshit the wonder boy's commentary.

my top 10 best movies 2006

As it gets into award season, you will find out that I am a major movie dork. So here is my top 10 for 2006. I will follow this up with best performances, best albums etc. Its how I roll.

10. Ten Items or Less

9. United 93

8. Volver

7. Prairie Home Companion

6. Cars

5. Kinky Boots

4. Little Miss Sunshine

3. The Departed

2. The Last Kiss

1. An Inconvenient Truth

a few words from a few years back

So I remembered a song that I wrote a few years back. Inspiration always hits you in different ways. Sometimes its lame Scottsdale jagoffs in matching A&F outfits or maybe its pompous fakes who sniff fame and stink of ego the rest of their lives (see Seamus, others) Its always different things.

I have to say its nice to meet you
I enjoy your company,
We'll keep it light, keep it simple,
In this divine comedy
Of fake smiles and alloy wheels
Brooks Brothers suits
And facial peels,
Try to act real, try to act coy,
Cause I'll be a popular boy,
If I leave my soul in the coat check room,
And then let my apathy bloom,
We can act like we are brothers
And have loads of faceless lovers

Cause I could be one of those fellows
Buyin things down on Melrose,
But I think I just may be more than that,
I've always been a different breed of cat,
I dont need to buy cool, I'll make my own,
And let my buffalo roam,
Cause I've always been a different breed of cat,
I've always been a different breed of cat.

And come to think of it it'd be great,
To have another ego to placate,
But I think I'll have to pass
And I dont mean to be crass
But if I became you I
Just might have to kick my own ass
If I became you I'd have to kick my own ass.

So there.

loved this poster

T & A

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that what I will talk about might offend some to some degree or other. That is sort of the nature of the beast, so to speak. So, intentional stepping of toes is not the intention.

There is an amazing fairy tale bullshit story we are telling ourselves in this country regarding sexuality. Its pretty amazing really. Its as if we all gathered 'round the punch bowl and watched as the stoner drop out kid spiked it and then we all drank up. Maybe two cups. We like to tell ourselves that we are the moral high ground, that we are superior to those who keep their women in bee-keeper suits (B Maher). I am telling you right now that that is a crock. We are no better from a moral standpoint in our treatment of the the opposite sex (yes, I mean men here) than any culture we wage our wars against. Heres how it breaks down: (examples first, then my opinion. scratch that, opinion in the examples, then more opinion)

First, our hollier than thou attitude toward strip clubs. We as a nation have decided that strip clubs are seedy, dirty, dispicable places where deviants and sex addicts stagger in to get their fix. We as communities talk openly about how they are a danger to our towns, how there have to be rules about placement and location and how there has to be distance between patron and dancer and barriers and on and on and on. We talk in public about these things and dance around the pole of truth that is...wait for it...the same moral leaders, the same captains of industry as it were, the same community figures are the people that go to the same clubs they talk so negatively about. Its an amazing thing. Its like ripping into someone at a Chilis for having a burger then going home and grilling a steak. Its a level of bullshit that takes a certain grace and poise to pull off. Oh, and balls. Really big balls.

So, in public, strip clubs are disgraceful, dingy, ugly dens of sin where only the scourge of society frequent. Crowds goes wild. Crowd goes to parking lot. Crowd drives to interstate. A percentage of the crowd goes to strip club. Back up, they go to get cash first, then to strip club. Because they would know, more than anyone else, that the fees at strip club ATMs can be a real bitch. Keep in mind that the lottery winner back east about two years ago, the big guy with the cowboy hat who talked about giving to charity, to church. Remember him? He had a to-do with police after his escalade with over 80k in cash (in motherfucking cash) was stolen outside a strip club at about 3:30 in the morning because he left it running. Just take that one in for a second. Breathe. Okay, we press on.

Pornography. This is the grand high bullshit area if I could ever think of one. There is this common idea in this country, again, that porn is for 500lb losers and sexual miscriants who cant ask a women clerk where the hot dogs buns are in the grocery store without breaking out in a sweat and giggling. Its a load of crap. Its garbage. People like Rick Santorum would have you believe that the second you view any material deemed pornographic, you are grouped in with the harry handed and worse, those would might be a threat. Its a sickness. Every guy I know, yes, every guy I know tried to figure a way to get their hands on some kind of pornography early on. The temptation, the interest, the curiousity was way too much to bear. But like many things, its doesnt live up to the idea once you've experienced it. Much like kissing a republican. Anyway, do I think that every guy I know, and have known since I was 13 years old was some sort of sexual deviant? No! Of course not, thats idiotic. So to be told that porn exists for the sick and twisted is absurd.

HOWEVER, that brings me to the more problematic part of this little sermon. Corporate America has tapped into that 13 year old brain in an amazing, devious and impressive way. They have been able to figure out that when that 13 year old grows up, he earns money. Money that can be used for SUVS, for stereo equipment, for burgers at Burger King.

You think Budwiser sells beer? No, they sell tits. They've been selling tits for 20 years or so. The beer is an afterthought. Seriously, if someone who had never seen a single bud commercial drank the stuff they would think you'd bottled camel piss and chilled it.

There is an inherent evil in this. There is a delightful wedge that this corporate machine is driving into the culture of America and it goes back to the heart of what I was mentioning before about strip clubs and pornography. If you can walk into your friendly neighborhood wal mart and buy the cd of some tarted up 19 year old that has no business emptying the trash cans in the recording studio let alone singing into one of the mikes...take a breath...and not have to go to the porn shop and satisfy that same need, then all the people that make money are happy. You've successfully taken advantage of that overwhelming urge of the male that starts at 12 and ends oh, around an hour after death, and can make money from it. You arent making money filming 15-way orgies in the valley in lovely Los Angeles, but its the same thing. Every time that song came on about being a girl but not yet a woman I wanted to throw something at someone. Its so easy to see the game being played. Its ACCEPTABLE if its on network television, its acceptable if its pg-13, and on and on and on.

BULLSHIT!!! You think that porn does something bad to the potentially dangerous people in society? Try the 24/7 sexual tease and taunt that is modern day TV on for size and see how different it is. It isnt. Now I will not point the finger. I think Jessica Simpson is very hot. However, if you were to take the trailers for Dukes of Hazzard and really break them down, it goes: tits, ass, tits, explosion, ass, tits, explosion, tits, car jumping over something, humerous thing, ass. In that order. Am I missing something here? What is the difference?

I know a few people in the adult film industry. They arent evil, they arent out to exploit the developing sexual identity of children. They arent out to profit from the uneasy transition from childhood in a sexual sense. Porn, as an industry has no interest in that. The major record companies, MTV and the major networks certainly do. There is a lot of money to be made in mainstream smut. Stigma only exists in what can be CALLED the underbelly of society. Those with the power make the rules, right? If media conglomerates can make money exploiting the sexuality of children, then they sure as hell will.

That brings me to my conclusion. There is a real danger I feel in this whole thing getting worse. Being allowed to happen. Women are treated like second class citizens and it makes me sick. Oh no, women are equal you say. Women have the same rights, you say. No, actually they dont. Women are expected, by media standards, to be equally sexy, prudish, dirty, homemaker-ish, modest and subversive. Its a sickness and its eating this country from the inside out. Women of character, of talent, of merit arent regarded as valueable. Women of media attention with plenty of plastic are paid attention to. What does this say to the next generation of women leaders? Teachers? Doctors? What really holds value if you are a woman?

One of my closest friends is engaged to a very beautiful woman. She is a newly minted doctor. She is charming, she is brilliant and pretty to boot. Does anyone stop when someone like that achieves great things? No, they dont. Its sick. Women will never get the respect they deserve in society until men with money realize this. And they wont. There is ad space to sell for boner drugs and bikini models in the studio pitching term life insurance you silly bastard. Profit remember? Respect for women? Nah, we have products to sell!!!

To the women in my life, I dont think what I think to elicit response. I think what I think because thats what it is. I make no apologies. Some women I know hate adult entertainment, some enjoy it, some are indifferent. Really what it comes down to is the uneasy feeling I get when I think someone that I care about is being undermined. I hate the idea that any woman I care about will have her self image tainted or her day ruined because there is money to be made from the insecurities of men and their willingness to spend money on anything to overcome it. Perfect example? Those whiny little motorbikes with bright colors and lots of plastic molding. Have you ever seen anything thats supposed to be manly be more fruity looking? Well, except for Orlando Bloom. heh, I digress.

"Exposure to The Spice Girls seems to have doomed us to a Western world where every 10-year-old wants a belly-button ring and a "Porn Star" T-shirt. And we just think it's cute! 'Ah, look at them! They're acting like little whores!'."

-Alan Moore

Stand up

Well this should be fun.

I am, as they say, fed up. I have hit a boiling point on a number of things and feel the need to type them out.

First thing. The Lebanon/Israel issue. Anyone who wants to give Israel a bad time regarding their behavior recently needs to get a clue. For the past 50 years or so, Israel has fought and clawed and battled for their right to exist. Maybe I missed something, but ask the Kurds and folks in Tibet what its like to have to constantly fight for their right to exist. Shit, go back even further to say, all of fucking Europe in regard to those plucky Germans. So give me a goddamn-break-on-a-stick if I am a little bit prickly about anyone condemning Israel or the United States allignment. If you take a look at the flow chart, you'll see the river of vermin flows pretty steadily from Iran through Syria and into this whole mess. So DO NOT take the passive arguement that the Israeli people are the unjust agressors in this issue. Its a bunch of garbage. Understand that the lynchpins of the region lie in the hard line, no bones about it genetic pre-disposition to claim and reclaim and to kill everymotherfuckerintheway en route to divine right-ness. Its absurd to look down at Israel in that sense.

Okay, second thing. This country needs to rise up as a unit. We as a people seem to be missing the boat on a number of things. Primarily, the profit mongering bastards that steer the economic livlihood of literally millions of people. Primarily, I am talking about Ford Motor Company. If anyone didnt notice, some interior documents surfaced about Fords plans to invest millions upon millions of dollars in plants in Mexico. Where are the plants now? Places like Michigan. A US state. Michigan. Full of patriotic Americans who love our country. Michigan whos lifeblood is being stolen in the name of profitability and bottom line. Bottom line? Who is going to buy your cars asshole? The thousands of people of lost their jobs? And dont think for a second that it only affects certain areas. That is the biggest load of horsecrap I think anyone could convince themselves of. It is a scam people, wake the ever loving fuck up. The ripple effect is amazing. The more the shareholders profit, the more the patriotic, flag waving American suffers. Breaking the spirit and the back of the American worker in the name of profit and stock price is a very evil thing. The worst part of it is, we are LETTING THESE PEOPLE GET AWAY WITH IT. We as a people are not making the connection that it is anti-american to profit from undercutting the American worker. It is anti-american to outsource a job because it makes the process more profitable. I dont mean in the capitalistic sense, thats the beauty of this country. What I mean is the acknowlegement that this country is rotting from the inside out with poverty and a shaky future and turning around and blindly embracing profit without question. In the world wars, this was called war-profiteering. Its the same fucking thing. If you love this country, if you love your way of life then stand up to this criminal, immoral subjugation of our people. Stand up.

Okay third thing. This rat bastard in the oval office needs to go. He is not a leader, he is a punchline. Everything about his agenda is wrong. I do not put all of it on him, I certainly do not. The machine at work, in both parties mind you, is working his puppet strings with great skill. We all think its cute when he says something idiotic. We all think is quaint when he chuckles to himself at a punchline that is either non-existent or not funny. Its not funny and its not quaint. Its dangerous. Its dangerous to all the citizens of our country.

We seem to forget the terrible thing that happened to us almost 5 years ago. We forget the reality and latch on to the imagery. Its a crock and its being sold hook, line and sinker because of guilt and fear. Its a shell game. Its a machismo thing. Its cock in the sand baloney. We dont need a fucking cowboy who talks tough and says nothing, we need an allied front of many different minds to work this shit out together. Its only our safety and lives at stake, nothing big.

Okay, last thing. This is an open note to the President. My cousin is going into the Marines, you know, the bullet fodder brigade. He is regarded with the same thought that a bear thinks about the bones in a salmon. Possibly important, but ultimately insignifigant. My cousin becomes a bullet shield for men in power suits in big buildings. He becomes the neccessity to the end. The profit. The control. Dont buy for a second that his life means a thing to these people. Profit matters. American lives dont. My cousin could die and it doesnt matter as long as the profit is up. He could die without a reason. There is no real reason, there is no threat. The threat is in the deterioration of the middle class in this country. The threat is in the forced labor that is the underpaid, underinsured lower class and the lives they are forced at gunpoint to live. Dont think that anyone in this country is actually living the American dream. We are all fighing an uphill battle, part lies and misdirection from the governmental leaders, part doing what you have to do to survive. That is the threat to this country. We were attacked for a lot of reasons, but the least of which was our working class, patriotic American people. The Americans that died on that day were a way of sending a message to our leaders and they havent listened. The blood of innocent Americans is on the hands of our leaders, not the terrorists. Terrorism is evil. Manipulation of the American people to guilt them into supporting this bullshit is just as evil. Its a pack of lies in the worst sense.

We are not who they hate. We are not their targets. We are just the expendable resource in the quest for healthy bottom lines in oil markets and power dealing. We will continue to die in foriegn battles and in our great cities if we continue to allow the term capitalism to mask the real descriptive, imperialism for fun and profit. Dont let these people sacrifice our lives for that end. To defend our freedom is noble. To die for what our soldiers are dying for now is criminal. We are not their targets. We are the expendable resource that big business and big oil use to shield themselves and the expendable resource that is used to fight for their bottom lines. I swear that I love our country. I swear that I cherish my freedom and the blessings that I have. I swear that I will defend our country should a threat arise. We are not their targets. I will not support the slaughter of innocent Americans for these ends.

Stand up.

big fish...I like big large fish

Well, I got to go to the Georgia Aquarium. It was very wonderful, but like many large attractions and parks, it was grossly overcrowded. Recently, I found out that Disneyland is pretty liberal when it comes to how many people they let in. Its frustrating because, while I understand the gigantic bills it must take to run these large places, I still feel a little bit cheated having to wade through seas of humanity. Ehh, there are bigger things to be frustrated by.

Onto the Aquarium. If you've never had the chance to feel what I stingray feels like, I very much reccomend it. They feel somewhat like if you were to spread jam on sandpaper and run your hand across it. Something like that. Anyway, its a really neat feeling and its humbling to interact with a creature in that way, be able to interject yourself into their world without threat of harm. I guess the same could be said of goats at petting zoos, but they arent nearly as cool looking.

I stood for a good 20 minutes and watched the whale sharks in their habitat. They are simply breathtaking. Watching an animal of that size cruise around makes you as a human feel really dinky. They swim around their 5 million (yes 5 million) gallon tank, thinking whale shark thoughts, seemingly unimpressed by the throngs of onlookers oohing and ahhing. Its as if they know they are the shit, and go about their fishy lifes accordingly.

There were so many great things to see, the visability and cleanliness of the place was very impressive. Anyone who knows me well knows that I take animal care in captive environments very seriously. It was really good to see the level of care the staff shows.

Sea lions are big. You dont really realize this until you see one up close. They are big. Also, watching a penguin play "peak around the viewing box" with a caretaker, or a loggerhead turtle play with a brush on a rope is demasculating. You cant help but say "awwwwwwww" outloud.

The arrowana fish were also freakishly big. Bigger than I have ever seen. They are the ones with the underbite that make them look a little like someones great uncle or something.They also jump out of the water to catch things to eat and after seeing how big these suckers get, I am not going around any lakes in Africa and Asia with my bug costume on. Not anymore anyway.

I went back to the whale shark tank once more before I left. The peaceful feeling of watching a creature greater in size than myself is hard to describe. I think its Gods way of saying, "look, I know how big a deal it is that that guy cut you off in traffic and all the things you have to do this weekend are stressing you out, but, take a just a second and recognize how small you really are." Its a blessing to get put in your place that way. Natures miracles are too many to measure, sometimes to small to see and occur every second of every day. I am cetainly thankful for that lesson today.

down and down and down in Atlanta

Well its T-minus 11 hours until I leave for Atlanta to go to the AmericasMart and sell candles. At least thats the hope. One of the last remaining hopes actually. Since I work for a family owned business, and since its my family that does the owning, its a big deal. Like many small businesses, ours has gone through trials and tribulations over the years and while we make the best candles in the country, its still quite a struggle. I have been preparing for the show, I laid out the display and have engineered our catalog in a way thats a bit new for our company. We've had the terrible habit over the last several years of doing things because thats the way they were done 10 years ago. Real life doesnt work that way, and we've slowly turned a corner to trying to do things a different, more modern way. We'll see how it goes. I am very nervous but at the same time, confidence has always been my strong suit, so I am going into this show with my head held high.

While in Atlanta, I am going to visit the aquarium I think thursday. They have a new whale shark exibit and I am very excited to see it. I have a real thing for aquariums and try to seek them out whereever I go. There is something about the balance that occurs in the water that tells a lot about life. Not the ooey gooey life is a delicate circle stuff. More, the way that things interact in ways that arent by accident. The way salmon are given a fighting chance is on the decay and remains of their forefathers, or forefish as the case may be. Its fascinating to realize that in order for the new salmon to live, the dying salmon must pass on in just the right way. The same can be said for many different ecosystems in the ocean. Reefs are unbelievably complex in their interaction, but essentially it boils down to one large interconnected organism that would die if not for the presence of each of its parts.

Also, I love the idea of gills. The design is so unique. Fish breathe in a way that I think no engineer on this planet could design. Its a wonderful thing to be amazed by nature and I have always felt a spiritual closeness to the water. The beautiful thing is, every time you step foot in the ocean or walk into an aquarium, you are going to see something new, something you've never seen before as long as you're looking for it. The ocean and its inhabitants have a way of writing new material and its always good stuff. Try to logically explain a jellyfish. See? Pretty neat.

Its important, I think, to find wonder in the world. I, like most people, can get sucked into feeling crummy about various things. Life is too hard, life ins't fair. Baloney. Life is a series of amazing miracles, one right after the other. Some things in life are hard because life is hard. No one cares to ask the salmon who swims upsteam to get their fishy freak on and die whether it thinks life is to hard or unfair or not. It just does what it does because it must. If you ever find yourself feeling lonely or sad or down, just try if you can, to imagine yourself as a salmon. Not the stupid inspirational poster, 'when life hands you lemons' garbage. Think of every challenge life throws at you as just one more amazing combination of random events that you are a part of. You can fail and you can succeed but you will never be a failure as long as you do what you do because you must.

Ahh, to be a salmon.

to move to a better environment...

2007-08-09T12:59:00.001-07:00

So I thought I might start this shindig by posting some recent things from another forum and go from there. I think I will attempt to do some of the snazzy picture and link things, but not to the degree that C-dawg does it (I dont actually call her that, or wouldn't really ever dare call her that btw).

Okay, so on to the posts and some running commentary from me on my own musings. Musing on musing: A self congradulatory screed in the most mellow sense of the word...

Grand Canyon State

So I've lived in California now for 6 months. Its a pretty great place. There is the close proximity to the ocean, there are a million and one cultural things to do, there is an amazing array of food options, there are parks every ten feet, there is cool weather, there are many cultures of people from every corner of the globe, there are tons of music venues and tons of acts to go see and there are very good school districts to raise a child. Fhew. Thats a lot of stuff.

However, I recently went to Arizona for a day. Literally a day. I had a meeting midmorning and a plane to catch later in the afternoon. It was a whirlwind if ever there was one. Thanks to J & J for the shuttle service there...:) The visit, unfortunately caused a major problem for me. I really miss Arizona. I know there is a bit of crazy talk in that statement. Arizona has changed dramatically since I was young. The greater Phoenix area is very spread out and more and more, the chains and big boxes are dominating. The traffic and the constant influx of people make the Phoenix area almost tribal in a sense. In that, people are pocketed in various areas not interacting or involved in other peoples lives. There is a growing haze of polution over the city itself, which to me indicates too much cement and not enough growing, living, plantish things. There are issues with public transit (not having any), there are issues with crime (too much of it) and issues with housing and building growing too soon too quickly. So yes, there are a calvacade of issues.

Here is my problem. I grew up in Arizona. I saw and lived near Mill Avenue when it was a glorious and thriving artsy community. I used to have to drive via Bell road to get to Scottsdale from Prescott because there was no 101. The area in Glendale and Arrowhead used to be citrus groves with not a whole heckova lot else going on. Surprise didnt exist. The Suns used to play at the Madhouse on McDowell. So getting back to my problem. I love a lot about Arizona. I love the huge skies, I love the Saguaro, I love the amount of mexican food and spanish culture, I love that we harbored the likes of Barry Goldwater and Rose Mofford and to some degree, the Earps and Doc Holliday. I love Papago Park and the McCormick- Stillman Train Park and the Desert Botanical Garden. I love desert Sunsets (yes ocean sunsets are nice too). I loved listening to Bob Coretore on Sunday nights on KJZZ. I love that Arizona, while conservative leaning, is full of independents, maverick types. I love that I've fallen head over heels under desert skies and in that place.
There was a time that I wanted very much to become an elected leader, first on the city then state level, then possibly eventually to congress. I had this idea that Arizona deserves someone who cares about it, grew up in it and has a vested interest in its survival. I still kind of believe that, that there is something to be said for someone in politics that is actually in it because they want to do something good.

So here I am, living just south of San Francisco, working for a great company with a product that I really like. With everything that this city and this area has to offer, there is a large chunk of my heart that just wants to go home.

Its been a few weeks since I wrote that. Still pretty much feel the same way.

10 year high school reunion

Well, unfortunately I wont be able to come back to Arizona for the 10 year high school reunion for PHS. I was very much looking forward to it, but because of work and personal considerations, I wont be able to do it. I got to thinking about it and where things are now versus high school age and its pretty remarkable, both positively and negatively.

As far as the positives go, I feel like I'm a much more intelligent person now than I was then. I've learned a lot over the past ten years, both personally and academically. Through college I was able to make some very important and lasting friendships which are very invaluable. I met a pretty neat girl and eventually had a beautiful son from it. I've been able to see some very good things about being alive, the art and culture and beauty that exist in day to day life. The good things that people do with and for one another that really give you pause.

I've read a ton, I think literally a ton. As I've grown older I've developed a very strong need to constantly learn and discover new things. I'd always had it growing up, but it picked up steam through school and is a daily force now. I've been able to see so many concerts and live shows of all kinds, I think from high school to now its very close to or just over 500 shows. My tastes in music have widened and evolved over this time to give me essentially a never ending array of new things to discover.

I've been able to learn what it is to be a parent, in both good and bad ways. The day to day learning process of having a child is something that you really never know a thing about until you really do it. That might sound a bit dim, but its the best way I can think to put it. Through my experiences as a parent I've been able to appreciate the up and down struggles my parents had with me and my brothers growing up. Its given me some insight into the functional insanity you have to adopt in order to actually kind of do it right.

The bad things though, that is a different story. When I was younger I thought that people were inherently good. That while bad things happen and people can get caught up in themselves and hurt others, ultimately people are good at their core. I dont think that anymore. I think that there are some people who are inherently good; they have good hearts and are people of character, class and kindness. I dont think that that applies to all people, not by a long stretch. I think that time and time again, its shown that the general human conciousness is not that of kindness and thoughtfulness, but of greed and selfish ends. If there is no profit to be made, no advantage to be taken, then why do it? For every one person that listens to public radio that pledges to help support it, 5 more listening right down the street dont send in anything, someone else will take care of it, they will say. Why should I bother? There is nothing in it for me if someone else will do it, I get the benefit without doing a thing, all the better for me.
I am much less trusting of the world in general. At 18 I thought that ultimately, people are driven toward normalcy, toward peace and understanding. That when its all said and done, human kind will have no choice but to come to a greater sense of being. Well, in ten years I have come to the conclusion that that is a crock. If you dont factor in extreme religious beliefs, racism and sexism, maybe its somewhat realistic, but in the day to day, those things are impossible to rule out. Again, I dont mean to say that every single human being fits into this description, but the problem is, a whole big bunch of them do. We like to point fingers, but even in our country we have sections of people who still are a little touchy on integration. Not immigration, integration, or voting for that matter. The rule of law in the world as a whole is not to push for a higher understanding of all people, the general rule is kill, dominate and steal. I have a deep hatred for war but it seems almost a futile feeling faced with the constant reminders that so much of the world functions on death as the only means of sustaining your beliefs, your life.

There was a program on NPR recently about morality, which I've listened to a few times now, its a really interesting show. It, along with the impending 10 year reunion has made me look at personal relationships and how I view them. Since I was young, I was always told that I had a big heart. People still tell me that. I cant help but have a very caring nature. Its inconvenient and sometimes dangerous to have this as your natural state of being. If you have a warmth and kindness about you you try to enrich and help the lives around you and you attempt to make things better. You suffer empathy, sympathy and a strong sense of the importance of real emotion. You also are lied to, taken advantage of and generally walked on because while a mirror shows the reflection of a person, the reflected image has none of the substance that the real thing has. By that I mean, many can sense if you are good hearted and emulate that behavior and demeanor, because it can work to their advantage. I DO NOT mean all people, but a lot of people live their lives walking over the spirits and the hearts of those who might have offered them a helping hand. You put yourself out to too many people, you try to offer yourself to others and I would say with about 70% certainty that you'll get taken.
I have a very close friend that has traveled overseas in impoverished areas of the world helping build schools and work with refugees and generally doing what I would call Gods work. She is kind, she is hardworking and she has an amazing heart. Two times in the last two months, she has traveled in three African countries and been robbed within days of arriving. She did not come to sell guns or lethal drugs or to vacation on the beaches, she came to unburden the sick and aid the humanity of people incapable of soley doing it themselves. And she was robbed. Twice. Somone who was really putting her life on the line because deep down she had to answer her heart when it said to give, to help, to do. And she was robbed. Once while she slept.
I think it is important to answer this call if you have it, regardless of the odds stacked against you. But its also important to see the world for what it is, a greedy and violent place that has no time for anything to the contrary.
I think it was Ani DiFranco that said "Smile pretty and watch your back."

What it boils down to is, I have not turned into a mean spirited, humorless guy who trusts no one and sits in his castle with a weapon at the ready, but, I have lost my sense of trust for pretty much all things. I still have a wonder about the natural world and the workings of biology and science. I am a lover of art and music and ultimately the beauty that exists in nature and art. Those things I will never lose. When I was 18 I thought that my trust and care for my fellow man (and woman) would never waiver because, at the time, I thought that peace and care would ultimately win out over selfish desires and greed. At 28 I have no illusions that the world will ever operate this way. The profit margins of death and consumption far outweigh the chance of a more unified school of thought. It wont change.

Tom Wilkenson has this great line in the movie "The Last Kiss" about love. He says something like "every idiot can talk about love and caring and it means nothing to anyone but him. Its what you do that matters, your actions are the only things that matter." So for me, I still have no choice to but go about things in a caring and open kind of a way...I just have little doubt that I will get much of it back.