to move to a better environment...

So I thought I might start this shindig by posting some recent things from another forum and go from there. I think I will attempt to do some of the snazzy picture and link things, but not to the degree that C-dawg does it (I dont actually call her that, or wouldn't really ever dare call her that btw).

Okay, so on to the posts and some running commentary from me on my own musings. Musing on musing: A self congradulatory screed in the most mellow sense of the word...

Grand Canyon State

So I've lived in California now for 6 months. Its a pretty great place. There is the close proximity to the ocean, there are a million and one cultural things to do, there is an amazing array of food options, there are parks every ten feet, there is cool weather, there are many cultures of people from every corner of the globe, there are tons of music venues and tons of acts to go see and there are very good school districts to raise a child. Fhew. Thats a lot of stuff.

However, I recently went to Arizona for a day. Literally a day. I had a meeting midmorning and a plane to catch later in the afternoon. It was a whirlwind if ever there was one. Thanks to J & J for the shuttle service there...:) The visit, unfortunately caused a major problem for me. I really miss Arizona. I know there is a bit of crazy talk in that statement. Arizona has changed dramatically since I was young. The greater Phoenix area is very spread out and more and more, the chains and big boxes are dominating. The traffic and the constant influx of people make the Phoenix area almost tribal in a sense. In that, people are pocketed in various areas not interacting or involved in other peoples lives. There is a growing haze of polution over the city itself, which to me indicates too much cement and not enough growing, living, plantish things. There are issues with public transit (not having any), there are issues with crime (too much of it) and issues with housing and building growing too soon too quickly. So yes, there are a calvacade of issues.

Here is my problem. I grew up in Arizona. I saw and lived near Mill Avenue when it was a glorious and thriving artsy community. I used to have to drive via Bell road to get to Scottsdale from Prescott because there was no 101. The area in Glendale and Arrowhead used to be citrus groves with not a whole heckova lot else going on. Surprise didnt exist. The Suns used to play at the Madhouse on McDowell. So getting back to my problem. I love a lot about Arizona. I love the huge skies, I love the Saguaro, I love the amount of mexican food and spanish culture, I love that we harbored the likes of Barry Goldwater and Rose Mofford and to some degree, the Earps and Doc Holliday. I love Papago Park and the McCormick- Stillman Train Park and the Desert Botanical Garden. I love desert Sunsets (yes ocean sunsets are nice too). I loved listening to Bob Coretore on Sunday nights on KJZZ. I love that Arizona, while conservative leaning, is full of independents, maverick types. I love that I've fallen head over heels under desert skies and in that place.
There was a time that I wanted very much to become an elected leader, first on the city then state level, then possibly eventually to congress. I had this idea that Arizona deserves someone who cares about it, grew up in it and has a vested interest in its survival. I still kind of believe that, that there is something to be said for someone in politics that is actually in it because they want to do something good.

So here I am, living just south of San Francisco, working for a great company with a product that I really like. With everything that this city and this area has to offer, there is a large chunk of my heart that just wants to go home.

Its been a few weeks since I wrote that. Still pretty much feel the same way.

10 year high school reunion

Well, unfortunately I wont be able to come back to Arizona for the 10 year high school reunion for PHS. I was very much looking forward to it, but because of work and personal considerations, I wont be able to do it. I got to thinking about it and where things are now versus high school age and its pretty remarkable, both positively and negatively.

As far as the positives go, I feel like I'm a much more intelligent person now than I was then. I've learned a lot over the past ten years, both personally and academically. Through college I was able to make some very important and lasting friendships which are very invaluable. I met a pretty neat girl and eventually had a beautiful son from it. I've been able to see some very good things about being alive, the art and culture and beauty that exist in day to day life. The good things that people do with and for one another that really give you pause.

I've read a ton, I think literally a ton. As I've grown older I've developed a very strong need to constantly learn and discover new things. I'd always had it growing up, but it picked up steam through school and is a daily force now. I've been able to see so many concerts and live shows of all kinds, I think from high school to now its very close to or just over 500 shows. My tastes in music have widened and evolved over this time to give me essentially a never ending array of new things to discover.

I've been able to learn what it is to be a parent, in both good and bad ways. The day to day learning process of having a child is something that you really never know a thing about until you really do it. That might sound a bit dim, but its the best way I can think to put it. Through my experiences as a parent I've been able to appreciate the up and down struggles my parents had with me and my brothers growing up. Its given me some insight into the functional insanity you have to adopt in order to actually kind of do it right.

The bad things though, that is a different story. When I was younger I thought that people were inherently good. That while bad things happen and people can get caught up in themselves and hurt others, ultimately people are good at their core. I dont think that anymore. I think that there are some people who are inherently good; they have good hearts and are people of character, class and kindness. I dont think that that applies to all people, not by a long stretch. I think that time and time again, its shown that the general human conciousness is not that of kindness and thoughtfulness, but of greed and selfish ends. If there is no profit to be made, no advantage to be taken, then why do it? For every one person that listens to public radio that pledges to help support it, 5 more listening right down the street dont send in anything, someone else will take care of it, they will say. Why should I bother? There is nothing in it for me if someone else will do it, I get the benefit without doing a thing, all the better for me.
I am much less trusting of the world in general. At 18 I thought that ultimately, people are driven toward normalcy, toward peace and understanding. That when its all said and done, human kind will have no choice but to come to a greater sense of being. Well, in ten years I have come to the conclusion that that is a crock. If you dont factor in extreme religious beliefs, racism and sexism, maybe its somewhat realistic, but in the day to day, those things are impossible to rule out. Again, I dont mean to say that every single human being fits into this description, but the problem is, a whole big bunch of them do. We like to point fingers, but even in our country we have sections of people who still are a little touchy on integration. Not immigration, integration, or voting for that matter. The rule of law in the world as a whole is not to push for a higher understanding of all people, the general rule is kill, dominate and steal. I have a deep hatred for war but it seems almost a futile feeling faced with the constant reminders that so much of the world functions on death as the only means of sustaining your beliefs, your life.

There was a program on NPR recently about morality, which I've listened to a few times now, its a really interesting show. It, along with the impending 10 year reunion has made me look at personal relationships and how I view them. Since I was young, I was always told that I had a big heart. People still tell me that. I cant help but have a very caring nature. Its inconvenient and sometimes dangerous to have this as your natural state of being. If you have a warmth and kindness about you you try to enrich and help the lives around you and you attempt to make things better. You suffer empathy, sympathy and a strong sense of the importance of real emotion. You also are lied to, taken advantage of and generally walked on because while a mirror shows the reflection of a person, the reflected image has none of the substance that the real thing has. By that I mean, many can sense if you are good hearted and emulate that behavior and demeanor, because it can work to their advantage. I DO NOT mean all people, but a lot of people live their lives walking over the spirits and the hearts of those who might have offered them a helping hand. You put yourself out to too many people, you try to offer yourself to others and I would say with about 70% certainty that you'll get taken.
I have a very close friend that has traveled overseas in impoverished areas of the world helping build schools and work with refugees and generally doing what I would call Gods work. She is kind, she is hardworking and she has an amazing heart. Two times in the last two months, she has traveled in three African countries and been robbed within days of arriving. She did not come to sell guns or lethal drugs or to vacation on the beaches, she came to unburden the sick and aid the humanity of people incapable of soley doing it themselves. And she was robbed. Twice. Somone who was really putting her life on the line because deep down she had to answer her heart when it said to give, to help, to do. And she was robbed. Once while she slept.
I think it is important to answer this call if you have it, regardless of the odds stacked against you. But its also important to see the world for what it is, a greedy and violent place that has no time for anything to the contrary.
I think it was Ani DiFranco that said "Smile pretty and watch your back."

What it boils down to is, I have not turned into a mean spirited, humorless guy who trusts no one and sits in his castle with a weapon at the ready, but, I have lost my sense of trust for pretty much all things. I still have a wonder about the natural world and the workings of biology and science. I am a lover of art and music and ultimately the beauty that exists in nature and art. Those things I will never lose. When I was 18 I thought that my trust and care for my fellow man (and woman) would never waiver because, at the time, I thought that peace and care would ultimately win out over selfish desires and greed. At 28 I have no illusions that the world will ever operate this way. The profit margins of death and consumption far outweigh the chance of a more unified school of thought. It wont change.

Tom Wilkenson has this great line in the movie "The Last Kiss" about love. He says something like "every idiot can talk about love and caring and it means nothing to anyone but him. Its what you do that matters, your actions are the only things that matter." So for me, I still have no choice to but go about things in a caring and open kind of a way...I just have little doubt that I will get much of it back.